The Stretch Zone: How to Get Out of Your Comfort Zone Without Getting Overwhelmed
Does everything feel overwhelming? Do you find yourself frequently retreating in to a safe space? This article may explain why, and how you can address it.
Many of my patients and clients come to me with a familiar pattern. Their mental health has reached a stage where everything feels completely overwhelming and unmanageable, so they retreat in to their comfort zone as quickly as they can.
This cycle is understandable. When the world is too much, finding a place that feels safe is a logical response. In fact, I’d argue it’s a sensible one. If we are experiencing stress or distress, seeking comfort is a natural move. Who hasn’t come from home a tough day at work and wanted to watch something easy-going on the television, or listen to an album we’ve listened to a thousand times before?
The Comfort Zone
A place of safety, relaxation and comfort
Thrives on familiarity. Feels like we can “switch off”
Somewhere that we have full control
Where we do things we want to do
Is fearful of the world outside the Comfort Zone
Can be unsatisfying
A place too familiar to learn or grow
Breeds more comfort-seeking behaviours
Our “Comfort Zones” often get a bad rap. We see it as an indication of a lack of ambition. It’s seen as something to be avoided, despite the intense gravitational pull it has over us. That isn’t fair. Our Comfort Zones have a valuable role in our lives. Our Comfort Zones are a place of safety and security. If we’re going through a tough time, returning to the familiar for comfort is actively beneficial. Being in our Comfort Zones is an important part of balancing our mental health.
The issue with the Comfort Zone is that safety comes with familiarity, and with familiarity comes a lack of challenge. For some, watching Friends for the 50th time might feel comforting, but it can’t give them the sense of purpose and meaning that experiencing something for the first time might do. The Comfort Zone rewards playing it safe. The whole point of the Comfort Zone is to feel as unchallenged as possible.
“The Comfort Zone rewards playing it safe. The whole point of the Comfort Zone is to feel as unchallenged as possible.”
This can mean that eventually our Comfort Zones aren’t just comfortable, but they make everything not in our Comfort Zone feel uncomfortable. This is amplified during periods of change, depression and anxiety. Everything that isn’t in our Comfort Zone feels too much. The result is whenever we end up leaving our Comfort Zone, we find ourselves in our Stress Zone.
The Stress Zone
A place of pure overwhelm
Everything feels like too much
Exhausting
Somewhere we have no control
Where we can’t do things
The urge to quit or retreat is powerful
Takes its toll both mentally and physically
A place too overwhelming to learn or grow
Impossible to stay in for long periods without consequences
The Stress Zone is not a nice place to be. Here, everything feels too much. Just being here makes us want to quit and retreat to a safe place. It’s overwhelming. It’s where most of the world exists when dealing with anxiety.
Because the Stress Zone is so uncomfortable, and the Comfort Zone is so comfortable, we tend to end up in a vicious cycle:
We stay in our Comfort Zone, and everything outside of it feels unsafe
When we have to leave (because we can’t stay in our Comfort Zone forever), we go straight in to the Stress Zone, which feels overwhelming
As a response, we retreat back to the Comfort Zone, with evidence that leaving the Comfort Zone felt unpleasant. It makes us want to leave the Comfort Zone even less
When we next leave our Comfort Zone, we do so with magnified anxieties about doing so. That makes the Stress Zone even more unpleasant
So we retreat back to the Comfort Zone even more anxious about having to leave again
And so on, and so on, and so on, and so on.
In these times, what we often forget is that there is a third zone, called the Stretch Zone.
Our Stretch Zone lives between our Comfort and Stress Zones. If our Comfort Zone is defined by familiarity and having control, and our Stress Zone is defined by overwhelm and feeling out of control, the Stress Zone is challenging, but not dangerous. It nestles perfectly between the two.
The Stretch Zone:
Things feel a little scary, but not impossibly so
We aren’t in total control, but don’t feel completely out of control either
Where we may not want to do something, but it’s not something we can’t do either
We are challenged, but in a way that we can handle
It’s the sweet spot for learning, growth, and change
The difficulty here is that, from the perspective of our Comfort Zone, the Stretch and Stress Zones appear to be the same thing. During periods of distress it’s difficult to decipher exactly what is a “Stretch Zone” activity, and what a “Stress Zone” one is. Everything feels overwhelming, so everything gets bucketed in the Stress Zone.
It’s also worth noting that what falls in each of these zones is unique to us all. For one person, bungee jumping might be the pure definition of a Stress Zone. For others, it may be the ultimate Stretch Zone activity (scary but not impossibly so, not in our control without being totally out of it, challenging but possible to overcome). It’s probably not in anyone’s Comfort Zone, but deciding which of the other two zones it resides in is personal preference. So is everything else.
This can make it difficult to identify what is a Stretch Zone activity.
The key is to take a step back. You have had thousands (if not millions) of experiences throughout your life that likely didn’t feel comfortable but you were able to do anyway, and you came out of it feeling glad you did it. If your brain is telling you that is something scary, that’s just a sign that it isn’t a Comfort Zone activity, not that it is a Stress Zone one.
“If your brain is telling you that is something scary, that’s just a sign that it isn’t a Comfort Zone activity, not that it is a Stress Zone one”
Once you have taken a step back from this reaction, ask yourself these questions:
Is this something I can do, even though it feels scary?
What exactly am I trying to avoid? Do I actually want to avoid it?
How will I feel after I’ve done it? Is it possible I will feel better, or even energised, after?
What will happen if I don’t do anything at all?
That last question is a powerful one, and one that comes up a lot in Mental Health and Wellbeing Coaching. Doing nothing is a choice. Choosing to do nothing has consequences too. Often, the consequence of doing nothing is that nothing will change. Your current trajectory will continue. It’s important to reflect on whether that’s something you’re willing to accept. If not, finding your way in to the Stretch Zone is something you have to face.
“The consequence of doing nothing is that nothing will change. Your current trajectory will continue. It’s important to reflect on whether that’s something you’re willing to accept.”
I’d always encourage my clients and patients to err on the side of caution when it comes to choosing what is and isn’t overwhelming during times of distress. Our brains are evidence-based; if we repeatedly try and fail at something, our brains evaluate that something is impossible. If we set ourselves small goals and then achieve them, that tells our brain that we’re capable of achieving things.
When it comes to the Stretch Zone, this means targeting things closer to the Comfort Zone than the Stress Zone. Try to identify something that is currently feeling overwhelming, and look for whether there is a more manageable version of it. It doesn’t have to be this way for the rest of your life, but for right now, take those small wins. For instance, let’s say socialising with a large group feels too much. Instead of not going out at all (Comfort Zone), or going anyway and finding it overwhelming (Stress Zone), focus on what feels challenging but doable, like meeting a friend one-on-one. That’s the Stretch Zone.
“Let’s say socialising with a large group feels too much. Instead of not going out at all (Comfort Zone), or going anyway and finding it overwhelming (Stress Zone), focus on what feels challenging but doable, like meeting a friend one-on-one. That’s the Stretch Zone”
The goal is not to exist exclusively in the Stretch Zone, because that would be overwhelming. The goal is to make sure you don’t skip it entirely. The Comfort Zone is a great place to be in, but so is the Stretch Zone. Trying to find yourself in them both is the key to having a safe life, but also one that you want to live.
Top three takeaways:
Respect the Comfort Zone: It serves an important purpose in your life. It’s just not somewhere you can be all the time.
Remember the Stretch Zone: You don’t just have a Comfort Zone and a Stress Zone. Between the two is the Stretch Zone, and it’s where change happens.
Doing nothing is a choice: If you don’t do anything differently, nothing will change. Your current trajectory will continue. Only by doing something can things get better.